I want something from him that even I myself don't know it is. Maybe a big gesture of affection, something that shows he truly cares about me. Something beyond our mundane everyday conversations about our daily routine. The worst part is that he can probably see I need his support in whatever form he can offer it, but he just withholds it. Is it too much to want him to give me a call when I least expect it and then enquire about why I'm in the bad place I am right now? I keep telling myself, "he's just busy". I repeat it to myself constantly, but I can't shake off that not so please voice in my head that tells me, "if he wanted, he would".

I'm always sleepy. It doesn't really matter what time I go to bed at night or wake up in the moig; something is constant: the desire to lure myself to oblivion by sleeping. Sometimes I fight it, and sometimes I don't.The worst happens when my drowsiness is accompanied by sore eyes. Imagine a situation where you need to stare at your screen to work, to write, because that's how you make a living, that's how you pay for school, the doctor's appointments, food and clothes, but here you are: your eyes have tued against you. Not only are they sore constantly, they're filled with the desire to push you to the land of dreams.When people talk about me 'getting better' or 'regaining my health', I just think they're being uecessarily optimistic. I've developed this theory that my eye problems and struggles with dizziness will last for the rest of my life. It's a hopeless prospect, but one that I might have to accept as my ever lasting reality.Sometimes I call it adulthood and try to go on with my days and not be sour about it.

It was a moment of pure comfort. It felt like home. I was lying down on the ground, wrapped in a blanket as the heater warmed me up. Drowsiness didn't feel like a threat, but a desired sedative. I could hear children playing in the alley, dogs barking on the far away farms, and motorbikes passing by. I was home, safe and warm, and after a long day I could close my eyes to drift off a bit. I didn't want to move. I just wanted to make the moments to drag and form a tiny eteity of comfort.

If it wasn't for the prestige of my masters degree and satisfying my ego, I would've given up and tried to stay focused on building a career, and finding a way to escape rather than going to classes three days a week and wasting time on preparing for my classes. But what I can do? I know getting my degree can be rewarding for me and something to look back fondly on later in life. These days I only have one question: what career should I lean toward considering the fact that my eyesight problem might be a lifetime issue? For years, I saw my future in academia but now I find it boring and even painful to achieve. I'm 28 years old and still looking for a path. Where's the path that brings me the most happiness and the least eye pain and dizziness?